Families Where Grace Is in Place: Building a Home Free of Manipulation, Legalism, and Shame by Jeffrey VanVonderen

I wish every baby was sent home from the hospital with a copy of this book. As parents of three preschoolers, my husband and I are just now trying to shape our philosophy of parenting and figure what we are doing and why. This book really gave words to what was in our hearts for our boys. In particular, we really appreciate the author's point that the goal is not simply raising well-behaved kids. He writes, "In controlling, shaming families, love and acceptance come as a reward for jumping through certain behavioral hoops." And this has certainly been the case in some of the families that we have observed over the years.
In another chapter, "Parenting is NOT like training a dog... Training animals is mostly about behavior modification, teaching them how to respond in relation to punishments and rewards. Parenting is about discipling or teaching children to make understanding choices out of wisdom."
As a result of reading this book, my husband and I were able to really cement what it is we are trying to accomplish as parenting in our minds and hearts. We have also seen a change in the way we interact with our children. Instead of just telling them what to do/what not to do, we instruct and try to explain as best we can why and what the consequences of their choices will be, and allow them the autonomy to make those choices all the while making sure they know that they are loved and accepted regardless of their choice.
I can't say enough about this book. It was exactly what we needed!